Reasons why i never visit my rich friend‏

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....
Question : "What would you like to have....? Fruit juice, Soda,
Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino, or Coffee?"
Answer : " Tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey
bush tea, iced tea or green tea?"
Answer : " Ceylon tea"
Question : "How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer : "white"
Question : "Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer : "With milk"
Question : "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"
Answer : "With cow's milk please.
Question : "Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer : "Um, I'll just take it black."
Question : "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer : "With sugar"
Question : "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer : "Cane sugar"
Question : "White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer : "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead."
Question : "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?"
Answer : "Mineral water"
Question : "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Answer : "I think I'll just die of thirst"

Reasons why i never visit my rich friend‏

Food

Food

Neglected Wife

A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband.

Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away.

It comes to a point where she hasn't had good sex for over a year and is considering Divorce.

After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home.

When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him,

He says 'Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom'.

She can't believe it, at last he's going to pay her a bit of attention.

They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. 'Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall'.

'Hmmm,' she thinks 'KINKY... I like it.'

She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his
chin on her privates.

'The boys down the pub were right,' he says, 'a Beard WOULD suit me!'

Neglected Wife

豬柳漢堡

深圳麥當勞 … 港客：〝唔該一個豬柳漢堡。〞 店員：〝要蛋呀。〞 港客：〝唔要蛋喇唔該！〞 店員好勞氣：〝你要蛋呀！〞 港客開始勞氣：〝我唔要蛋喇，我淨係要豬柳漢堡咋！〞 店員更勞氣：〝要蛋一蛋呀，要蛋十分鐘呀 …… 〞

豬柳漢堡

I No Come Work Today

Hung Cheong calls the office and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I vely vely sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs ache, I no come work."

The manager says, "You know something, Cheong, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better, and I go to work. Why won't you try that?"

Two hours later Hung Cheong calls again. "I do what you say and I feel vely good. I come work vely quick. And Boss,







"You house vely nice."

I No Come Work Today

Boss and His Secretary

Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down.

His secretary walked up to him and asked, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your gate ?"

Boss was not smart enuf to understood, so he went back into his office looking a bit puzzled !

When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up.

He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, then boss finally understood.. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, He said, "When you saw the gate open did you see my BMW parked in there ?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said,

"No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Kancil 600 with 2 flat tyre." Boss went back to his office mumering... kan ni nau bu......

Boss and His Secretary

Why Students Fail In Exam

It's not the fault of the student if he/she fails, because the year ONLY has 365' days.


Typical academic year for a student:

1. 52 Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days... GONE. Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing)- means 30days. Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days. Days left 81.

7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.

10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday.

How can you study on that day??????!!! !!!!!!!


Balance = 0

Why Students Fail In Exam

Funny Father's Day Joke

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

Funny Father's Day Joke

Cab Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Cab Driver

Wife Love

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"

Wife Love

Art of Conversation

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree.

Art of Conversation

chinese essay

某天 ~ 黃淙暐的老師 ~在課堂上出習題 ~
作文名稱：我的家庭


　我出生在一個非常貧苦的家庭，記得小時候，爸爸的生活很無聊，整天只能數錢，媽媽也是，整天都在掃錢。
掃錢
我家住在深山中，每次要出去買東西，都相當麻煩，開保時捷要 5 小時，開賓士也要4 小時；雖然家裡有直昇機，但是開到那邊很難找到停機位，相當的不方便。
賓士_保時捷
我偶爾也會出去逛街，爸媽怕我被綁架，隨身有 20 多個保鑣保護著，大家看到我都嚇跑了，所以我從小就開始被排斥...... 因為家裡是在深山，每次到了冬天都非常冷，爸爸也說，出去買東西很麻煩，所以冬天沒有暖爐 ...沒有棉被 ...每天只能陪著爸媽燒錢取暖 ... 而睡覺的時候，也只能蓋著錢睡覺 (我覺得英鎊比較溫暖) 。
保鑣

　記得小時候，有一次，因為房間太大，還來不及跑出房間，就尿褲子了。所以，爸爸在我房間放了一台小綿羊機車，好讓我能在 10分鐘以內，衝出 1000 坪的房間，穿越 5公里的走廊，到達 800 坪的廁所 (我常常在走廊迷路 ) 。
小綿羊
　爸爸又另外叫人加蓋了 20間 600坪裡面有著250 坪小廁所的破房間。爸爸說：以後如果尿濕了，直接換房間，如果房間不夠或是太小的話，再告訴爸爸，爸爸再叫人來多蓋幾間，我們的生活很辛苦，你要忍著點！！
小廁所
現在想起來，爸爸真是個善良的人！！

　還記得有一次，家裡遭小偷，因為他用炸藥炸壞了我爸的保險箱，使得裡面的金幣不斷的往外滾出來，結果竟把那個小偷壓死了 ......我覺得那個小偷好可憐 ......
金幣壓死人是很痛的!! 他不像之前那個被鈔票悶死的小偷一樣幸運。
金幣
媽媽也常常告訴我，我們家生活非常困苦～要我學著吃苦～
　所以我從小養成了刻苦耐勞精神，我將來的志願，是要找 200 隻會吃錢的怪物，好把家裡的錢都吃光，為那些可憐的小偷報仇！！


嘉義市蘭潭國小六年一班黃淙暐


老師評語：去死啦！

chinese essay

Husband for Sale

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Mumbai, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.


Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!


There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.


There is, however, a catch. .... You may choose any man from a
particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot
go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
husband...


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

*********

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and
love kids.

*********

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
kids, and are extremely good looking.


" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.

*********

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand
it!"

*********

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

*********

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.


Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

*********

Send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth :-)

Husband for Sale

姓潘不姓番

sorry for those who can't read Chinese. This joke can't be explain in English. >.<


一戶潘姓人家，長輩過世。
家祭時，請來了一位鄉音很重的老先生來當司儀。

訃聞是這麼寫的：
　　　孝　男：潘根科
　　　孝　媳：池氏
　　　孝孫女：潘良慈
　　　孝　孫：潘道時

但這位老先生老眼昏花又發音不標準。
當他照著訃聞唱名時，凡是字面上有三點水的或左邊部首都漏掉沒看到。

於是就給他念成這樣子：「孝男，翻…… 跟……斗……」

孝男一聽，直覺得很奇怪，但又不敢問，於是就翻了一個跟斗。


接著又說：「孝媳，也……是……」
孝媳一聽：「我也要翻啊？」於是孝媳也翻了一個跟斗。


再來：「孝孫女，翻兩次。」
孝孫女一聽，想想爸媽都翻了，我也翻吧！於是就翻了兩個跟斗。


此時孝孫心想：「老爸、老媽都各翻一次，姐姐也翻兩次，
那麼我要翻幾次？」心裡想著想著就開始緊張了：「怎麼辦？」


只見老先生扯開喉嚨，大聲念出：

「孝孫……翻……到……死……」

姓潘不姓番

Breakfast

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu.

"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

Breakfast

One Kiss Per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

One Kiss Per Yard

Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

Then the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Interview

Cut Cost in The Office

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

Cut Cost in The Office

Under Water

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water." said the boy.
"What do you mean by 'under water'?"
"They are all below C (sea) level"

Under Water

Comb

Teacher: "Why you do not comb your hair?"
Student: "No Comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Student: "No Hair, Sir."

Comb